Three Dead Xerxians 'Round Trisha's Grave
by BLOC V.X
Summary: Olivier Armstrong gives Sloth a gift so he'll leave, but after Gluttony eats it, Amestris is thrown into chaos. Crack, humor.
1. Chapter 1

Sloth eyed the damp tarp with suspicion. "For, me?" He asked in his deep, slow voice. Olivier Armstrong nodded, and ordered Falman to pull it off, with a face like that of one who just realized their favorite radio program was canceled years ago, and they've only ever heard reruns.

Falman pulled off the tarp, and revealed… Nothing. There was nothing under the tarp, despite the fact it had the structure of a large truck. The Elric brothers gasped, and Winry closed her eyes and went to sleep, lulled by the smell of gasoline and oil.

"It's an invisible bulldozer," The manly Armstrong explained, "A peace offering you can take with you, like your bad smell, if you promise to leave and never come back to Briggs."

Sloth believed her, and picked it up, was surprised by it's weight, and put it down again, shaking the entire structure with his imitation of the Planet Fitness commercial. "It's, uh, truck?"

"Bulldozer, you overgrown 'roider!" Winry shouted as she woke up, and her hair burst into flames so the others could see her rage towards the Homunculus for mistaking one piece of machinery for something used to compensate.

"I honestly couldn't care what it is, but would it be out of line to simply, ah, applaud him into death?" Kimblee asked the Major General, who then ordered him turned over to the Drachmans for insubordination, angry at him for trying to cause violence just before peace.

"You can't turn him over, when he isn't under your command!" Scar exhaled, breaking through the ceiling and falling to the floor below.

"The scarred man!" Edward yelled, but Alphonse hushed him, and Winry's hair was put out by the sudden wind.

"Don't worry brother, he can make a plea deal; he'll not go to prison if he can kill Kimblee, who's wanted for insubordination!"

"Effective immediately!" Scar shouted, agreeing to Alphonse's bargain. Olivier signed the contract, and the two pyrotechnicians went at each other, exploding each other's explosions. Kimblee, wounded more severely than Scar, escaped through the hole by rocket jumping with his alchemy. The wind was blowing north, towards Drachma, and Olivier nodded her approval, as that's where she wanted him anyway.

"Hey look everybody, he's gone!" Captain Buccaneer shouted, and Falman responded by saying they all knew that.. After Armstrong ordered his removal from Briggs, a gross overreaction which was never acted on (she did that a lot), Buccaneer clarified "No, not Kimblee, the white devilman; Sloth, the fat abuser of PEDs!"

And true enough, Sloth was gone, through a brand new hole in the wall, riding his new toy to freedom.

* * *

Father was enjoying a nice platter of italian food, but mostly lasagna, while Gluttony watched in anguish, his stomach bellowing as loud as a knuckle cracking, when the wall broke. Both of them turned to see Sloth levitating several feet off the ground, using his giant, glovish hands to control the tiny invisible levers, and he sat hunched like a netizen of 4chan, blinking in the comparative brightness of Father's underground base.

"Sloth, have you completed my circle already? That wasn't supposed to occur until volume 19!" Father said, glaring at his floatiness, "And just why are you flying, son? Have you grown heretical, and sold your soul to the devil?"

"Contracts are, such a pain." Sloth said, thinking of how confused he was when Scar and Olivier made their agreement.

"Really? How praise-worthy- To think one of my children has finally taken the next step in world domination! Of course, I did long ago," Father gleefully chatted, misinterpreting Sloth's statement, "But it's about time one of you took the initiative! Honestly, though, I didn't expect it to be you, my manifestation of slothful sin."

Sloth ignored him, and climbed the wall to the ceiling, where he dug in his feet and slept like a bat.

Gluttony smelled something odd, and walked over to where Sloth had left the bulldozer, waddling right into it. While it didn't smell good, he was more famished than a Muslim during Ramadan, and so he ate it, starting with the hood, and moving on towards the back, until Sloth's new toy was being digested in his tummy.

However, something wasn't right. Perhaps it was the antifreeze gasoline it contained, or the hopes and dreams of Neil which it contained, but Gluttony was unable to contain it, and expelled it from his body with greater force than when Cronus threw up his children, spewing it into the hole from whence it'd come. It made him jump back a few steps, recoiling with disgust and shame.

Father released a sensible chuckle at this, but went on with his meal. However, in one slice of lasagna was nothing but mayo, at least below the surface; biting into this, he was more disgusted than Gluttony was earlier, he was more disgusted than Metroid fans were of Other M.

He shouted and stirred like a child in a '50s bath, stirring Sloth of his dream about his bulldozer; powerful and sprawling, but ultimately no one would see it, like the Subway Greed once opened. The shock of waking up so suddenly, something which had never happened before, knocked him off the roof, and he fell to the floor, cracking his head.

Before Sloth was able to regenerate though, Gluttony, who was again running on fumes, ate his brother.

"This makes me so angry!" Father continued his tantrum, "Only one person can soothe me now! Wrath! I demand your presence immediately!"

And within the time it takes to read a page of manga, Wrath was there. "O' Father, what hath tampered your temper, that which I knoweth to be so content, to call on me, your favorite son?"

"Shut up Wrath, and stop speaking Shakespearean, it's not soothing; I need you to kill your brother, Greed, who has rebelled long enough- None else would dare to desecrate my lunch in such a manner!" Father scowled, who regretted ever allowing Greed to open a Subway and gain access to such condiments.

"Oh, but how is one such as I, made for fury and anger alone, intended to kill that beast called Greed?"

"You've done it before, Wrath!" Gluttony said in his childish voice, which brings to mind a certain jerkish bear.

"Yes, and this time you shall have Gluttony to assist you; so go, both of you! And Wrath," Father mentioned, "Make sure you punish Gluttony for eating your brother, Sloth."

"Ah, but say no more, Father, for I remain confident in my abilities; for if I weren't, what would be the purpose of my holding them? Surely such questions can never be answered by mortal men, which means they don't exist, and so I must always remain confident!"

Father rose and knocked Wrath to the ground, kicking the bishonen out of him. "Just shut up and kill Greed!" He ordered again, and Wrath ran off with Gluttony to do so. 'Now I just need to boil lava hot enough to melt carbon; can't be making that mistake again!'

"Hmm, I wonder what caused my outburst just now?" Wrath wondered aloud, until just past the door, which limited Father's view, the new found Slothfulness within Gluttony awoke, and to prevent future effort, he put in a miniscule amount, and ate Wrath, before running through the city to find safe haven.


	2. Chapter 2

Pride retracted his shadow spies. "So, Wrath is dead already?" He said, and put down a juice box. "I should tell Mrs. Bradley, but how can I explain that I watch everything in Central, from the darkness?"

However, at that moment, Mrs. Bradley ran in crying and hugged him. "Oh Selim, what will we do?"

Relaxing his face to that of a naive boy, before hardening it with mock concern, he asked "What's wrong, mom? Did you see my report? I promise I'll get my grades up, and stop spending all day watching the trains go by saying 'Choo Choo!' no matter how much fun it is!" And it was fun.

"Oh, Selim, you're father's been- He's gone, Selim, we won't be seeing him again for a long time." She continued to cry while Pride wondered how she could know already.

"What happened, mommy, why's he gone? Did he go to see Mr. Hughes?"

At this point, Lt. Hawkeye, the fuhrer's assistant, walked in. "I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs. Bradley, but something's come up- You're needed in the war room immediately."

"The war room! Then it wasn't an accident, but assassination?"

"Please come with me."

And so Mrs. Bradley left, and Pride sent out his shadows again and found that, possibly because of the gasoline again, Gluttony had regurgitated Wrath, right in front of the train station. He felt a tinge of pain go through his chest, as he understood that he'd never be able to watch trains there again, not without a monument to Wrath staring at him, seeming to think 'You should really be doing your homework, Selim. Your mother and I are concerned."

* * *

Grumman levelled a stack of paper, and started a slideshow. "This is the chance of rain tomorrow, so the funeral may be slightly delayed, but not enough for serious decay to set in. If it does, though, we'll have to have a closed casket ceremony. Also, the hotels of Central aren't enough, so we'll have to subsidize the cost of building some temporary ones, or at least setting up some tents nearby."

Mrs. Bradley started weeping again, while Riza gave Grumman a disapproving sign that read 'Stop being insensitive, Grumman- You can't possibly mean to have respected and loyal citizens, come all the way to Central, only to make them sleep in tents!'.

"Ahem, there's also the matter of a successor. Since '94, when your husband was made Fuhrer, parliament has drafted several constitutions, just for consideration, and he signed one recently."

"King did?" Mrs. Bradley asked.

"No, the Fuhrer- Ah, yes, King Bradley. Yes, he did. Anyway, we've been looking through it, and noticed that there's nothing regarding succession of his title; it doesn't mention democratic elections, or hierarchical monarchies, or even a battle royale to determine the new ruler!"

"Wouldn't that mean it's unchanged, and the military's second in command takes charge?" She asked.

"Yes, however his Fuhrership didn't believe in second in commands, and so the second highest rank currently held is held by two men, meaning the normal succession is impossible. Until we can amend the constitution your husband signed, I'm afraid it reverts to familial descent."

Hawkeye nodded, and grabbed the robe of Fury, Amestris' main aesthetic unique to the office of the Fuhrer. However, Grumman shook his head, and after sipping from his flask, continued.

"I'm afraid that you, Mrs. Bradley, aren't the one who's next in line for Fuhrer- Your son, Selim, is."

At that moment, Selim Bradley walked in, pretending to be oblivious to what was just said. He was flying around a model plane, and jumped on the war table twice for effect, before flying towards the door, at which point Hawkeye grabbed him.

"I'm afraid." Grumman said, before downing the contents of the flask on his way out.

As Hawkeye, his new assistance, placed on his head a crown from Burger King to make him understand the significance of the Fuhrership, he was explained what this meant.

"Now, Selim," Mrs. Bradley said in between tears, tears for the dead, and tears for the living, "You get to be daddy's replacement. Understand?"

"Oh boy, do I ever!" He said, with a twinkle in his eye, the reflection of a camera flash. The others turned to look, and saw nothing, and so forgot about the existence of ghost Hughes, who wished to commemorate the event with a photo.

Looking at his crown, though, Selim said "Why do I gotta' be fuhrer? That's daddy's title! I wanna be King!"

And so he became King Bradley II.

"But King Bradley was daddy's name! I wanna be a Kong!"

And so he became Kong Bradley.

Mrs. Bradley wept some more, this time mostly for the living, and Hawkeye considered taking up Grumman's favorite past time.

* * *

Later that day, after the sun had set and the moon was covered by mourning, Mrs. Bradley received a letter from her side of the family, congratulating her for finally getting rid of such a terribly inefficient husband. Now, you must understand that she was still in a state of distress, and so didn't think to check the postage date, which would've revealed it was a letter regarding the divorce of her previous husband, lost in the mail for years. One can't blame her for what she then did, of course, especially since she'd begun drinking, which just pushed Hawkeye towards it more.

She called Selim into the living room, whereas before he'd been in his bedroom, supposedly praying, but actually he was tap dancing to get the day's events to Father.

"Selim, there's something very important we must discuss."  
"Is it about my grades again? I'm sorry, mommy, they'll get better, and I promise to stop tap dancing when I should be sleeping so that I'm well rested at school tomorrow!" That was a lie.

"No, it's about you being Kong- Whenever a child is leading a nation, their mother has to tell them what to do. It's called 'regency'."

"Okay."

"You need to give the military orders to invade Drachma, and put down any and all resistance."

"Okay."

"Specifically, the capital needs to fall, specifically, 381 E. Mission St."

"Okay. Can I go to bed now?"

"Yes Selim, you may- But don't forget what I told you tonight!"

On his way out of the room, he saw the address above written on an envelope, and smiled, thinking about the circle Father needed.

The next morning, instead of going to school (it was canceled so that all could mourn the Fuhrer), Selim delivered an eloquent and flowing speech, written by committee, to explain the reasons for immediate war with Drachma, without actually giving any. All cheered anyway, especially the generals present, for they were tired of peace.

All state alchemists were put on alert, that war was coming, and so Mustang disapproved, and had Fuery wire Briggs before anyone else at Central could. This is the message he sent.

* * *

"All soldiers and alchemists, mechanics and bureaucratists, stationed at Fort Briggs-

The new head of state, Kong S. Bradley, has declared war against Drachma. I believe it to be an illegal, aggressive, and deadly mistake, to allow a child such as him to plunge the entirety of Amestris into a war with such a powerful nation. This is no Ishval. Both sides will be crippled. I urge all who read this to prevent word of his decision from reaching Drachma, and coming to Central to stop this young madman.

~Coronel Roy Mustang"

* * *

Captain Buccaneer finished.

"Well men, which will it be- War with Drachma, or peace and a coup?" Olivier Armstrong asked her soldiers, all collected together, already knowing the answer.

"Peace! Coup! Peace! Coup!" Came the reply, louder than a fat man at a buffet after Ramadan.

"Alright, then; listen up!" She shouted, "Half of you will remain here, and prevent any word of today's events from reaching Drachma. The other half will come with me to Central, cloaked in darkness by Neil's invisibile machines, to claim the title of Fuhrer!"

There was much cheering, as though it was the Super Bowl and the underdog scored a touchdown in the last minute, followed by booing as if the refs said it didn't count because of a penalty, as they realized half of them would have to stay back.

"The important people will be going to Central backed up by grunts, hand picked by Buccaneer." Buccaneer smiled as he lifted his arm with no hand. "Everyone else stays behind."

And the troops were claw picked, and they set out within the time it takes to read a volume of manga. However, with all the competent people gone, one messenger managed to get through to to Drachma, and alerted the military forces there as to the war.

"What! They think they can get one over on us, ay- Ivan! Sergey! Vlad! We're going in!" And the vodka was distributed throughout the lines.

Kimblee, who had taken refuge there, gave them information about the best places to attack, but the most incompetent troops of Briggs are far better than the legends of southern Drachma, and so the battle began early, but neither side made progress. Two notable events occurred, however- Firstly, Kimblee died when the tent he was in exploded; some say it was Briggs firing at Drachma, others say it was Kimblee who did it, thinking the lights were controlled by a clapper. Secondly, Hohenheim was there setting up part of his anti-dwarf circle, due to his prejudice against short people, also the reason he left home, and was gravely wounded.

* * *

Within the time it takes to watch a season of anime, they arrived in Central. No one saw the train coming, except for Mustang, who was waiting at the station for them and felt the wind.

"Did you bring the tank?" He asked Armstrong when she got off, skipping his usual flattery.

"What's a tank? No, we brought invisible guns though." She said, and Roy was satisfied.

'It'll do,' He though, 'Just so long as it's enough to get my lovely lieutenant away from that little human!' He smiled as he though of becoming fuhrer, his secondary goal in this.

"Ah, Fullmetal, I'm surprised you're still kicking- Did you come here just to help me take the city?"

However, Edward had fallen asleep, without Al tickling him to keep awake, so Mustang drew a Hitler 'stache on his face and left it at that. Scar then stepped off the train, but instead of trying to kill or arrest him, Mustang understood that if he was the same train as sleeping Ed and no one cared, they're good with him now.

"Alright, Briggs brigade, take Ground Control. I'm having my men infiltrate it as we speak, to topple their chain of command from the inside out."

"Very well," Armstrong said, as she saw her brother approaching, "And do you plan on using him as a pawn in this as well?"

"Of course, Miss Olivia," Roy said with a smile, "I have to use every piece at my disposal no matter how hammy, after all."

"It's Olivier, and you'd be better off disposing of him- I'm just here to prevent a war, though, not take command." She said, and gave her men their orders.

"I came as quickly as I could when I heard that you were making a move, Colonel." Louis Armstrong said, his shirtless body sparkling like a vampire in the Cascades, "What is there for me to do?"

"Make sure the Elric brothers stay safe- Fullmetal still has to find that philosopher's pebble, after all." Mustang said, "After that, find Rebecca Catalina and make sure she and Grumman are one our side, before taking control of the telegraph relay and train stations."

Armstrong nodded, and picked up Edward, ignoring his pleas and shouts to be put down while he ran off to find some safe area for them to wait in. He forgot Alphonse though, who stayed behind to wait for Winry.

Inside Central Command, the Mustang Unit and Maria Ross had already taken over one wing. With the Fuhrer dead, and the Kong a child, no skilled leader stood up to the assault, and by the end of the day, the building had fallen. Troops loyal to the Bradley's, who were now considered a royal family, evacuated them to the National Parliament building, which was taken under siege by the Briggs Brigade.

"Wait here, Sir. Kong, we'll scout the surrounding area to find an escape route." Was what the lieutenant who led the group said on the second day. He never came back, until he did, and announced they were being forced to wait it out. This pained Pride, and he was tempted to use his shadow spears to save the day, but the most satisfactory excuse for their existence he could prepare was demonic possession.

Finally, Mrs. Bradley leveraged her power as Regent to negotiate with Mustang, and agreed to his terms.

The battle was somewhat drawn out, and in the end took fifty hours, the time it takes to watch Hunter x Hunter 2011, but in the end, Mustang took the Fuhrership, and banished the Bradley's to Creta, where they fell into obscurity as glass blowers.

Three people died during that coup- Denny Brosh, who died when the hot dog cart he was ordering at exploded from a stray bullet hitting the propane tank. Brosh's sister, who died when the ice cream truck she was ordering at exploded, the result of the defenders believing it to be Mustang's personal vehicle. Finally, Black Hayate, Lieutenant Hawkeye's dog, disfigured and killed a man who tried to blow up Grumman's office, which is how Yoki was killed.

With his new powers as Fuhrer, Roy Mustang put an end to the State Alchemist program being used in war, and transformed it entirely into a scientific community, to the great joy of alchemists everywhere, including Tucker's ghost.

He also ordered that Ishval be modernized by force, with cities built and tracks placed, which was probably about as smart as washing your mouth with soap- It seems like a great idea at first, but you immediately realize it wasn't.

* * *

Hohenheim walked up to his wife's final resting place, with the gait of an ostrich, and took off his hat. "Sorry to be so late, Trisha." He said as soft as a memory foam pillow, and knelt in front of the grave. His energy sapped from recovering after the battle of Briggs, he placed a rose on the soil, amongst the grass and weeds Pinako never picked, and heaved his last sigh, as heavy as alchemy itself.


	3. Chapter 3

Gluttony heard a name which triggered his very soul, changing his most overt sin from Sloth to Wrath. Five days after he rejected Wrath, a filthy and out of the way back alleyway near the burnt out National Library was his home, a place which never failed to remind him of Lust, and by extension, eating people for a living. He was in the process of deciding between Slothfulness and Gluttony, and whether he should starve and be rested, or take a shower and apply at KFC.

That's when he heard the name. Two people were walking past, a rare occurrence in an area known for hosting serial litterers, discussing politics. Normally a sin such as Glutton wouldn't care, but having ate Wrath, despite discarding his flesh the sin remained, and politics were always the best way to activate it and get his blood pressure rising, so he listened.

"Did you hear about the school administrator who instilled a no tolerance policy in Reole?"

The wraith of Wrath stirred within him, climbing to the top of the heap like some sort of spider fetishist in Tibet, and reached the brain, gripping it tighter than Armstrong's abs.

"Yeah, I did, sounds pretty bad. What do you make of that trade agreement with Aerugo?"

Wrath began to bang Gluttony's head against the brick wall which bordered the dank alley, and repeatedly broke the chubby nose, though it always healed.

"Don't even get me started on that!" One of the two said, as they were beginning to get out of hearing range. "We can only hope that Fuhrer Mustang vetoes it."

Fuhrer Mustang. Roy Mustang. Wrath screamed like he was in a Swedish death metal band, and screeched like a bat outta' Hanna-Barbera. He rushed out of the alley and beared down on the two, eating them for a moment to suppress hunger and rage, but found it wasn't nearly enough to keep down the two sins, and Sloth was forced on a wild ride, unable to take hold over two powerful beasts at once.

He lept onto a liquor store's roof, and from there jumped on one foot from shingle to shingle, one at a time, like some tribal war dance, before finally making his way to the next roof, and moving in towards the large, shining white mansion in the distance, his brows burrowed so deeply a gopher would get claustrophobia.

* * *

Olivier Armstrong willed her hair to wipe the sweat off her face, and it obeyed out of fear, but she hadn't broken a sweat, so the hair sweat itself and then wiped it off. Louis picked himself up from the depression in the now shiny floor he'd been knocked into, and began picking up sparkles.

"Well? Have you decided to stop your foolishness and turn over your position as head of the family to me?" She asked like a million mafia men before her.

"Quite on the contrary," A. Louis said, "I could never give my title to someone who was so readily willing to bring violence into the matter, just for the sake of power." He grabbed a towel, and used it to polish his brass knuckles with sweat. "Anything I do now, at this point in time, will be discussed throughout the Armstrong family line for generations!"

"Very well, then." She said, and put away her sword. "We'll spar again tomorrow." And she crossed the day off in her calendar, as she had everyday before it since she came back to Central, and everyday before she left Central in her youth.

At around that time, when Louis was retrieving all of his glimmers and Olivier was leaving, a window broke, and Gluttony burst in. He was hungry, so hungry he couldn't see straight, and so angry he couldn't think straight, which is why it's no surprise he mistook the Armstrong mansion for Central Command. Then he saw Olivier, and he smelled her from the sweat of her hair, and recognized it from Sloth's toy.

"You made lunch taste like death wrapped in a tortilla of mud and spiced with the tears of dead children from Hungaria!" He cried, and ate her in one gulp.

Louis was about to move, but it was her or the sparkles, and she was already gone, so Gluttony was able to leave unmolested. He jumped through the same window as he came in, before jumping back in so that he could leap out another, and break a second, so as to make Yukine proud. Louis mourned for about five minutes, before getting on with his day.

Several hours later the Elric brothers came to visit. They'd planned to drop off a casserole which Mrs. Hughes gave them, because Edward thought it smelled like a rag soaked in milk and baked at 350 degrees for two years, but they couldn't refuse it politely.

"Oh, it's the Elrics- Something terrible has happened!" He exclaimed when he saw them. "My sister has been killed!"

"The cute one?" Both asked in sync.

"No, Olivier!"

And they both gasped. "But she's fought off bears before! What could have killed her, stress?"

Louis looked at his shoes, and was surprised to find he wasn't wearing any, before saying "I used to think the only thing strong enough to kill Olivier was herself, but a homunculus jumped through the window and ate her before I could react. It's truly a tragedy." He got out a box of tissues, and used them to pick up the pieces of glass from the broken windows.

Edward punched the wall in frustration, and Alphonse brought the kitten out of his suit and started stroking it to calm down. "It's important that we don't lose our heads in this situation. Brother, you and Major Armstrong are too emotional- I'll take care of this myself."

And Alphonse left, while Ed tried to console Armstrong.

* * *

May Chang picked up the paper, and dropped it, brutally mauling the ant it landed on. "Hakuna Matata my face!" She cried through streaming tears, which occasionally paused to buffer, "I tried to live with no worries, but I ended up with even more!"

Alphonse heard the tears, and remembered finding her on the invisible train to Central. 'I know what to do!' He thought gleefully, before approaching the short girl.

"What's wrong, May?" He asked.

"I watched a movie, and it said to live in the moment, but then I tried to help an old wounded man, and you know what he said?" She told him, and he handed her a tissue he stole from Armstrong to clear the mucus.

"What did he say, May?" Al asked.

"He said that short people got no reason to live!" She blurted, and Alphonse snapped his fingers.

"That's terrible! By any chance, did he look like an adult version of my brother?" he asked, and she nodded, he thought, but she was already moving a lot from the crying and stuff. He consoled her as much as he could, and after a few minutes, she finally managed to calm down enough they could hold a conversation without tissues.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like this," She said, "I just wish I hadn't talked to him in the first place."

"That's alright, May, you just gotta' forget about those kinds of dudes and focus on the good ones!" Al said, finishing with the thought 'Like me.'

"You're right! Oh Alphonse, I'm so glad you came by, I was almost ready to go find that man and use my kunai to chop off his legs, and find out if he didn't change his mind!"

Alphonse debated internally between running away and hugging her tighter, but decided it was best not to change the status quo. "So, uh, do you want to help me catch a homunculus?"

Her eyes lit up like the sun as it engulfs the earth, "Oh yes, please!" Al nodded, and she nodded, and they just sat there nodding a minute or so, before she asked "Um, Alphonse? How long are you going to keep hugging me like I'm a person you just kept from jumping of the Brooklyn bridge who also happens to be your long lost wife in law?"

"Just a short while longer."

"Ok."

* * *

Gluttony's wrath was subsided, for now, as he got revenge on Olivier, and his gluttony was subsided, for now, as he ate Olivier and two others. So he was slothful, and had begun to lay around in his alleyway again, next to the wall he'd bashed his nose in.

He'd been seen, however. Well, he wasn't actually seen, but his trail was- Alphonse and May merely had to follow the footprints of black sludge, a mixture of ashes and rain water, which had collected in the alley. From the Armstrong mansion to the beast, it was an easy path for May, who was experienced in running on roof tops from her days of attempted assassination, but for Alphonse, a living suit of armour, it was more difficult, as he was forced to run on the ground instead.

On the way to the lair of the thing, they formulated a plan, a plan to bring power and fortunes to the Chang family. "it's brilliant!" Al said, and May agreed with his assessment, which undersold the value more than a first year marketing major would undersell Ziploc bags.

Nevertheless, they did find him, and woke him up with a ham sandwich from Hardee's.

"Hello homunculus!" Al said cheerfully, and handed him the sandwich. After a moment of hesitation, the smell brought his sin of being an obese glutton to the forefront, and he ate it, savory every last taste.

"We've been thinking, homunculus-"

"I'm Gluttony!" The black potato sack told him.

"Alright. We've been thinking, Gluttony, that we should feed you."

Gluttony scratched his head. 'Is he Lust, come back for me?' He wondered, and as his face went from confusion to absolute and unbreakable happiness, he hugged Alphonse as much as his short, rotisserie like arms could. 'Even if he's not, he'll feed me like Lust did!'

May was glad at first the plan they made on the way there was working, but then felt like a brick had been hurled at her face by the old man who hated short people. 'Oh my YHWH, he's touching my man!' But she suppressed it and smiled as she remembered once hearing Alphonse say 'No homo.'

"But you can only eat who we say you can, alright?" Al asked, and Gluttony nodded, releasing the embrace. "Then let's get going!" He said, and the three made their way to the market for supplies and a jeep, before driving out of town, listening to the preachings of Leto on the radio, by popular demand.

* * *

They were nearly out of the Xerxes desert when it happened. The radio continued blaring the words of the Sun God, to which Gluttony wept, Alphonse laughed, and May studied carefully. They'd turned over the jeep to protect themselves from the sandstorm which had enveloped the entire world, so far as they could tell, like if all the flood stories in world mythologies had came true at the same time, but the genie which granted such a wish was high out of his mind, so it was solid and in the air instead of liquid and on the ground like a normal flooding.

Gluttony had cried himself to sleep with thoughts of Lust, whom's memories were brought back alongside a sandstorm of nostalgia by the word of Leto, which he found more poetic than Divina Comedia. He was woken up by yelling, May's, who'd went inside Alphonse to stay clean.

"I felt Alkahestry! Someone's nearby, Alphonse, and they know how to heal a broken rib shattered by a million pound baseball bat!"

"That's 500 tonnes!" Al exclaimed, and closed his chest piece to protect her from any fight that may occur. "Who's there?" He asked the sand, turning off the radio.

"It's your last day- I mean, Ling Yao. Elric, right? We need to talk." Came the reply from outside the truck.

"Oh, hi Ling! Did you learn to learn to speak Amestrian?" Al asked in a mimicry voice, lifting up the truck enough for the prince to crawl in.

"Thanks. But stop making jokes about my lying, it's a real problem and I need help." He cleared his throat, "Anyway, I couldn't help but hear you're planning to kill my father."

"Yup."

"With this giant black potato."

"That's right."

"Did you think I was about to let you go through with that, Alphonse?" Ling asked, gripping his sword in case Gluttony tried eating his toes.

"I was sort of hoping so, but I'm guessing no?" Al said, and cursed his bad luck. 'I guess I'm not becoming prince of Xing at this rate. Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost.'

"Well I am- My father's a terrible ruler, who thinks only of himself and his house. However, I can't allow anyone but myself to ascend and take his throne."

Alphonse's red, glowing eyes blinked, and he asked "Wait a moment, you aren't stopping me? I can go and kill him?"

"Of course," Ling said, with a face like a very berry shake, "But I can't let you pass yourself off as the new ruler of Xing, or related to them. Also," He continued, opening Al's chest to reveal his half-sister, and picking her up by the back of her toga and qipao. "I'll be taking her with me."

"No! Alphonse, help me!" She cried, but Alphonse just sighed.

"Sorry May, but Ling is more powerful than a butcher at the slaughterhouse- Just go with your brother, you should go back to school anyway, and I'm sure he'll keep you safe in Xing. Anyway, see you in six years or so."

May started crying again, and Al wondered if his family was destined to make the women they like cry for all eternity, before deciding it was just his dad and him, as Ed seemed to be doing just fine.

"Don't you know how bad our schools are in Xing?" She said between the tears, which had more lag than an Alaskan playing on the European servers, "They teach us about Xing history one year, and the next expect us it remember it all! How am I supposed to memorize the names and dates of a hundred battles and wars? Tell me how!" She cried, but Alphonse was already starting to tune her out.

That's when he noticed Gluttony was gone, instead a puddle of blood and a depression in the ground was all that remained. "Where'd the homunculus go?" He asked Ling.

"Oh, him?" Ling said, "Yeah, he's dead- Put up quite a fight, let me tell you, but it wasn't nearly so bad as dragging little miss Chang home will be."

"You killed my homunculus?" Alphonse shouted, "That's not cool, Yao!" And he picked up the truck, "Do you want me to hurt you?"

"And I thought I had problems." Ling said as he scurried away into the sandy storm, quickly becoming nothing more than a silhouette, like a tribal scout bringing home a small bear for supper because there were no deer, which was then joined by two others, who had failed in hunt.

Al heaved a heavy sigh, and dropped the truck, which sent up quite a bit of sand, half burying him. It wasn't until morning, when the sun began to shine as brightly as a transmutation and the air was clear again, that Alphonse Elric managed to free himself, and began the long and lonely walk back to Amestris.

* * *

By the time he reached Ishval, Al had been walking for days, sun up until sun down, at which point he continued walking until morning, and repeated this for the length of time it takes to watch Gintama from start to finish. From there he bought a train ticket with money taken from Ling when he crawled under the jeep, and rode it to Central City, where he sought out his brother.

It was the Fuhrer's assistant and rumored fiance, Riza Hawkeye, who told him the news.

"What, brother got married? To Winry?" Was his only reaction, before hazily walking away. 'But they aren't even adults yet.' He thought to himself as he walked down the streets of Central, lost in his considerations. 'Besides, if they're married and living in Resembool now, who'll stop Father? How will we get our original bodies back?' As he turned a corner to see the entrance to the sewers, he knew the answer.

"It's time I saved the day!" He announced as he entered the dank tunnel.


	4. Chapter 4

Alphonse walked along the damp walls of the sewers for what felt like hours, but was in fact the length of a warm shower, with the way forth lit only by repeatedly transmuting a piece of concrete.

At the fifth intersection of tunnels, he stopped transmuting, as he saw a light up ahead, and found there a Subway.

"Well, of all the restaurants, this one makes the most sense." He said, and walked in.

The dining room was sparkling clean, as though Armstrong himself had wiped his face over every surface, and two fans on swinging at the pace of constipation. The counter, where one might order and watch their request be born into the world, marble shown through a wooden decorative piece, which was designed to show a wraith of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which Alphonse found impressive, considering the diner seemed to contain all four. Finally, between the cookie display and the register, was a bronze statue of Atlas, and within the globe on his shoulders was a large amount of mayonnaise, with a plaque at the bottom reading 'He never suspected it!'

There was no bell to ring, so Alphonse opened and closed the register, which seemed to work just as well instead. Within the time it takes to flick a piece of chewed gum from one's finger, Greed was there.

"Hello, homunculus." Alphonse said as he raised his sword, which he'd transmuted from his own armor, thinning it in exchange.

Greed knocked it out of his hands, and he looked at the three pieces it was in longingly, like one looks at the food of another before a meal, and did nothing.

"Since that didn't work, can I interest you in killing your father, Oedipus style?"

"Why, are you the Sphinx?" Greed asked the suit.

"No- I'm the Walrus. I want to be the hero, though."

"What's my stake in this?" Greed demanded, picking his teeth with the earpiece of his shades.

"Well, your father will be dead." Alphonse offered.

"Sold!" Greed flipped a sign above the cookie stand from 'OPEN' to 'OUT FOR DRINKS', before going into the backroom and packing a bag with his things.

"Where can we find him?" Al asked, having collected his metal and recombining it with his body, like how a fat man fills himself with food which then generates new fat.

"I don't know, I've been underground for weeks, ever since I laced his lasagna with mayo. Have any of my siblings died recently? The last I heard, Lust had been killed."

"Yup, I was there- She died like she lived, which is to say smoking hot." Both of them laughed, and then felt bad, but laughed again anyway. "Anyway, Wrath was kill by Gluttony, Pride was banished to Creta, I think Gluttony mentioned something about eating Sloth, but I can't really understand anything he says. Oh, and Gluttony's dead, some guy from across the desert killed him. That leaves you, Envy, and Murder, right?"

"Murder's not a sin."

And they laughed again.

* * *

It wasn't long before they were on a train out of Central. Knowing they couldn't face off against Father alone, they headed south, towards Rush Valley, to find some strong champions who could lend assistance. On the train ride south they got to know each other better, and found camaraderie in the partnership. Thusly they passed the short ride, and in the morning, departed from the engine like two crayons spilt from the same box, and wandered the town aimlessly for awhile like two vagabonds. Finally there was a breakthrough, though, and their walk became directed- They were sitting at a bench watching pedestrians, occasionally asking the ones who more resembled Armstrong than Gandhi where they got their automail, and several times were told it was by 'Rockball'. So they went to Rockball's.

Upon entering the shop, the most apparent thing was that Rockball consisted of one person, and that person was a fraud. A poor mimicry of Winry, failing to even get her name right, was working the bellows and screwing half the town's nuts. When faced with Greed, however, all became evident, and Envy revealed his more common form.

"Envy?" The two questers exclaimed.

"Metal dudes?" Envy exclaimed. "What you are doing here, together?"

"We came to Rush Valley to find some dogs to kick, but that's not working out, so instead we're gonna' kill Father. Wanna' help?" Greed told him, and Envy did.

"Alright, he tried to have me banished to the desert for telling him mayo in lasagna is hilarious." Once the two chest bumped, and Alphonse gave Envy some cookies n' creamy whipped cream, they got back on the train and left for Central, deciding three was enough to kill the homunculus of homunculi.

* * *

The three entered the dangerous cavern, which none of them had entered since mayo-gate. Greed went first, followed by Envy, followed by Alphonse, followed by a wheelbarrow full of all their stuff. Despite the gothic inspired designs, it seemed to be empty.

"Where's Father?" Envy asked, and Greed glanced up and reflexively jumped back, shouting "He's up there!", and Envy and Al screamed, picturing Father crawling on the ceiling like a spider, or demonically possessed teenager, in his sexy toga, hissing at them like pumpkin pie.

Then they realized he was trolling, and Greed laughed, and the other two laughed, and Envy tried to eat his cookies and whipped cream, but found it was actually mayo, which made them laugh even harder. Within a few minutes, the two homunculi passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain.

While he waited for them to wake up, Alphonse did many things, including jump rope like spring heel Jack, cartwheel like mouldy cheese, and air-sit like a weirdo. Finally, he noticed something on the table, a letter, held down by a glass. After looking up once more just to reconfirm that Father was not in fact watching him, which made him giggle, he grabbed the letter and read it.

"Dear sons and Envy," It began, "Greed is more than a rebel, he's a menace to society. To prevent him from breathing the same air as that which freshens my feet in summer, I find it necessary to gain outside help in putting him down, like a cow which has rabies, or a dog with Mad Donkey Disease. To that end, I have gone to the last known residence of my old pal, Von Hohenheim, to request of him assistance in the matter. P.S., there's some more lasagna in the fridge, I'm not going to eat it."

Alphonse looked around, but saw no fridge, and realized bad jokes ran in this family, they ran like a sailor swears. The other two were beginning to come to, and he stood over them, an imposing figure to one half unconscious, like Iron Man being in the shower with you after rinsing your shampoo, handing you a towel to get it out of your eyes. However, they were homunculi, and only screamed bloody murder for two minutes while gripping each other before realizing it was just an Elric.

"I found this letter!" He said, waving it around like it was money and he's trying to bribe a corrupt detective in a mainstream '40s detective film. "It says he went to Resembool, to see my father!"

So the three got on the train again, and couldn't fall asleep because they'd been out colder than Canada in the summertime, which doesn't exist, earlier. It was only a few hours, though, so they played cards in the meanwhile, and Alphonse won all their cash, donating it to a shepard so that he could attach bombs to the sheep's bellies, so that wolves will take care of themselves.

* * *

They reached Resembool, their final destination, at about sunrise. The two homunculi were in a sour mood from losing all their money, and Alphonse decided stopping by their mother's grave was more important than being timely, so he made a detour on the way home, taking the discontent and penniless with him. It was there they saw it- Hohenheim kneeling in front of the grave, dead. Father, kneeling at the side of the grave, depressed to death of his only known contemporary being dead.

Envy blew his cool and started shouted at Greed, "Why did I ever think it was a good idea to leave Rush Valley with you two? You don't even know what a good sandwich is! I bet you taste like one, though!" And in his rage, he morphed into the form known as Gluttony, and ate Greed.

"And you!" He exclaimed at Alphonse, "You took my money, my comfort, and worst of all, my time!" And he attempted to do the same to Al as he did to Greed, but was sliced by a sword straight down the middle, and Alphonse Elric grabbed his philosopher's stone from the nearest half.

"You'll never be green again, Envy!" He declared, and used the stone's power to regain his original body, at full mass.

He turned to the evaporating carcass, reminiscent of ashes after a forest fire only you could've prevented, and smiled. "I guess you've been-" A sudden storm brewed, changing the skies from a friendly and inviting blue to completely grey anywhere blackness wasn't in place, and he continued just after the entire site was lit up by a sudden flash, as he screamed the last word Envy would ever hear, "THUNDERSTRUCK!"

Satisfied with this, he then kicked Von Hohenheim's corpse for making May Chang cry, before feeling unsettled and setting it into a kneeling bow again, and grabbed something shiny off the ground where Envy's burning corpse was, immediately dropping it at the heat of the flames, but smiled at the pain, knowing he was once again as human as he could be.

He sat and watched the flames until they subsided, leaving nothing but the philosopher's stone which once powered Greed, and he picked it up as the wind did, and the skies returned to being more welcoming than cake and ice cream.

* * *

Al walked the dirt road home, finding a new house in construction where their own had been, and saw his brother on the roof.

"Hey, brother!" He shouted, waving his arms like the ocean, "I'm home!"

"Al? Al!" Edward replied with tears in his eyes, and came running down the stairs, the first thing completed. "You've got your body!" The two met at the front porch and hugged.

"Brother, did you know our father's dead?" Al asked him after they'd gotten over their elation, and Edward was silent a moment, before shaking his head.

"No, but I did suspect he wasn't meditating, like Pinako said. But this calls for celebration!" He said with more joy than a Pokemon Center, "We're living at the Rockbell house until I finish this one- I'd be done by now, but she won't accept a house with transmutation marks on it."

"I see, then you really did marry Winry! Congratulations brother!" He said, screaming internally. In the near distance they could see Winry walking towards them, carrying a tray with sandwiches and stuff. "Congratulations Mrs. Elric!" He shouted towards her, and Ed ran to meet her.

"Winry, Al's back, and he has his original body!" He explained, "And dad's dead, which means today keeps getting better! This calls for a night on the town!"


	5. Chapter 5

The brothers and Winry caught the next train to Central, and despite it ramming several dump sheep on the way, made it by evening, and went to Madame Christmas's bar.

There, they met with Fuhrer Mustang, who was drinking for his friend Hughes, and General Armstrong, promoted, drinking for his sister Olivier. Grumman as well, but he was just drinking for being too old to care.

"Brother, what does alcohol taste like?" Alphonse asked Ed, who squirmed, and tried his best to find a way to explain something he'd never experienced, without letting Al know he never had it, and without giving any of the military people a reason to arrest him for underage drinking.

"Wha, why don't you find out yourself!" Edward snapped like a hungry hungry hippo, before realizing how stupid that was, and adding "Once you're old enough!"

"There's an age restriction on it? I thought dad drank all the time." Al said.

"Yes, Al, a physical age, not mental!" And they laughed like hyenas, or homunculi who bit into mayo thinking it was whipped cream. "But to be serious, you're too young to be drinking, and you just got your body back anyway."

"Hmm, I guess you're right- I'll have a glass of milk, barkeep!" Alphonse said, raising up his hand to get their attention. "When did you get married, brother? I was only separated from you and Winry for the time it takes to eat a hundred boxes of cereal!" And it was true.

However, Edward didn't have time to answer him, as the ground began to shake and all inside the bar rose. Rushing to the window, they saw what appeared to be artillery, shelling Central from just beyond city limits. Fuhrer Mustang's assistant, Hawkeye, rushed in to keep him safe, and General Armstrong took off his shirt to deal with the stress.

"Everyone out," The general said, "We must evacuate before the bar is hit and flattened like Kansas!" But he was too late, for before the first man reached the door (Winry was fast), a shell landed a direct hit on the bar, a more direct hit than anything Mike Tyson might land.

* * *

The year is 1510, the realm, Xerxes. Von Hohenheim stood off to the side of the circle's center, which contained only the King of Xerxes, an elderly man more frail than melting ice. He held a glass flask, the container of the Dwarf, or homunculus, an artificial lifeform who would later invent Taco Bell, and watched as the king slit his finger, and spilt yucky blood into a pot. He watched as the air thickened, and turned black, as the hands of Truth appeared out of the ground and stole the souls of men- At least, the men who had one. He watched as the King of Xerxes himself fell down, and heard the homunculus laugh and tell him about his trickery. He heard this, and was swallowed by a giant ocular spirit.

It was morning when he woke up. The men all around him were dead, judging from his master, and he escaped the city, after hearing from the homunculus exactly how bad last night's events were. That is the tale of Von Hohenheim, later known as Resembool's greatest playa'. The following, however, accounts another.

The King Xerxes raised his arm, shocked at his continued weakness. "I'm, alive?" He wheezed like an exhaust pipe, and picked himself up, into a sitting position. His toga was gone, leaving only the skivvies- The work of Hohenheim's homunculus, no doubt. Though while he was as weak as ever, he was suddenly conscious of the fact death did not feel so near as it had in the previous decades, a worthy tradeoff for the downside he next discovered, as he gripped his head and wailed, hearing the moans of his people. It was only a moment, though, before he stopped and began to laugh, realizing that's what he normally heard, keeping him up at night.

"I've finally taken total control of my kingdom!" He exclaimed, and stood up, already beginning to feel more strongly. He didn't know exactly why the homunculus' trickery had failed -perhaps there had been some unaccounted for variation in the outer circle, or the center was simply larger than expected- but no matter why, the good King Xerxes was alive, though as alone as Alphonse felt when he discovered he was a suit of armour.

He lived in his castle another month, before the food and water began to lessen to the point of not being there. When that happened, the choice was easy, and he left to start a new kingdom, one he could reign eternally as an old dude. He knew that Von Hohenheim had gone eastward, from the heavy sandals, and the homunculus west, from the heavy toga robe, and so he went north, and traveled for months in the desert he had ruled. Regret came nightly, that he hadn't looked for Hohenheim, who, despite that he must've been in cahoots with the Dwarf, certainly would've been preferable to solitude. Every empty village he passed reminded him of the people he once governed, and his heart, in the only move it could make which allowed for functioning, cut off emotions other than hatred, like a bad movie villain, and he thought daily about revenge. Hohenheim was bad, but the Dwarf must be killed- No matter what, that garden gnome must one day die by his hands, so that he might take back the royal and sexy toga.

It was winter before he reached the forested areas, the farthest region of the world he'd ever heard of. There, he had heard, barbarians lived, hunting animals and each other for game, in more ways than one. By spring though, he'd been forced to exhibit his immortality to several small tribes and villages, each of whom followed him like smelly feet. King Xerxes wasn't an intelligent man, and didn't know too much of alchemy, but war was his forte, and he taught them all he knew on the subject, such as not dying was good. He also learnt their language, through total immersion comparable to jumping in a pool and drowning until you learn to swim, and gave it a written version, and declared it mandatory that all his people be fluent in reading and writing this language, so that they could understand his decrees and amateur emo poetry, and waged many wars against other nearby villages and groups, until his empire was even more vast than his lifespan, yet he didn't stop.

By now, from exercise of keeping up with his people, as they all objected to becoming servants, the notion of which they found as insulting as a convict leering at them for picking up litter, the elderly king was grown strong, averagely so for his birthplace, though only comparable to a child in the woods. War had become more common than hunger, or Starbucks, and while he won them all like the hawk he was, he began to have the children taught war was glorious only when necessary, and to avoid it otherwise. Yes, King Xerxes was growing wise, finally.

He'd heard of Amestris, a nation to the south, and often times held war with them, trying to draw out the much hater Dwarf- It never worked, however, and the attempts were usually half hearted, like buying a Hot Pocket. He'd also heard of Xing, to the east, but messengers sent always returned empty handed, declaring neither party could understand the other, more on account of accent than language, though all agreed they had the best food.

The king's age was legendary amongst his people, the Drachmans, and he was often thought to be a deity, with shrines and temples dedicated to him built over the sites of earlier ones, made for their pagan myths. While Xerxes never ordered the temples destroyed, for he was more vain than Miss America, he was wary of them, thinking his empire might be ruined if sacrifices were ever made in his name. The name which had changed once since the new empire was founded- Rather than a king, the Drachman language meant he was a Tsar, and a Ra, ruler of the gods. Thus, called the Drachman Ra, Tsar of the Drachman Empire, he ruled the vast woods which spread from a sea to an ocean, like a room which contains both a chair and a sofa.

At one point he organized a colonizing group, the size of a small Drachman city, to go to Xerxes and spread the empire's borders to the desert. The party grew lost, however, and after wandering the desert for nearly a year like some grounded Israelites, found some Xerxians which had been outside the limits of the circle, and mingled like mixed veggies, their children becoming known as Ishvalans. The Ra had not heard of the settlers fate, however, and persecuted any Ishvalans which approached his kingdom without intending to be assimilated into Drachman culture, essentially telling a dog to fetch a stick and punishing him when he comes back with it a few decades later.

His wrath was not limited to Amestrians and Ishvalans, though- The bears of the forest felt it too. The Drachman Ra held a deep, raging contention for their existence, ever since the first living creature he saw after finally leaving the desert was a bear, which ate his flesh and then played soccer against a tree trunk with him for several hours before getting full and leaving. The barbarous Drachman people living there at the time discovered him hiding in a tree like a dead moose which had been hit by a beached whale, and they became his first subjects. Ever since then, the Ra has ordered all bears be killed on sight, their meat used to feed dogs, and their pelts used to wrap those in poverty, or beggars who didn't wash their feet.

Now, while lacking in alchemy, Drachma is a fully modern empire, shining from the woods like a mirage in the desert. It's people are strong and educated like warrior scholars, not to mention willing to die for their Ra, whom they've come to know as Glorious Leader, and that leader at their head is most willing to do whatever it takes to keep the empire going like the Energizer rabbit, whether for another year or another four hundred years. Cities the size of Central number two dozens, like a box of cookies, whilst those larger than it count three. Their industries are as efficient as the Germans, as prolific as the Russians, and as inventive as the British. The military is the world's largest, with more in service than the entire population of southern and eastern Amestris combined, with the general population rising faster than Nigeria, and their culture is as work obsessed than Americans or the Japanese. Most importantly, there is a complete sense of unity- The many tribes which originally made up the empire have been entirely mashed together, losing their culture for the sake of Drachman culture, like a Texan giving spurred boots for apple pie or nachos.

Recently, however, there was a report that a man fitting the description of Von Hohenheim was at the Drachman border, near Briggs, and seemed to heal from his wounds faster than an American can eat a rotisserie chicken. He knew the time had finally come, and that Hohenheim would lead him to the Dwarf, and so ordered a full scale, open warfare attack on Amestris, a blitzkrieg straight to the capital. His orders were received, and the old Ra himself joined the party of death, personally slaughtering a bear for good luck.

On the way towards Central, using an invisible train stolen from Briggs, they passed a Taco Bell, and Ra knew that the Dwarf was there, recognizing it's evil from ramblings four hundred years ago. Scouts had been sent throughout the nation, and one reported that a wounded man with blonde hair and gold eyes, who probably wasn't just a golden statue, had been seen walking near a town called Resembool, and knowing Hohenheim to be wounded, Drachman Ra personally went there, while the others continued on to Central, arriving that night, and began shelling the city immediately, and the ghost of Kimblee smiled.

The Drachman Ra was in awe at what he saw- His two old enemies, the Dwarf and Von Hohenheim, both dead. "Will I one day die as well?" He mused, before taking note of what the two were doing. In Xerxian culture, bowing before a stone such as this usually has strong religious symbolism, like looking at stained glass, and assuming it to be a shrine of some sort, so he too knelt before the stone, on the side opposite the Dwarf. "Hmm, this is pretty comfortable," He said to himself, "I wonder what the writing on that stone means."

* * *

Edward and Alphonse did a fist bump, and quickly hurried the others out of the half destroyed bar, having prevented any deaths through the use and abuse of alchemy. Use, as it saved lives. Abuse, as one wall now has busts of the Elric family sticking out of it.

"Quickly!" Armstrong shouted, holding up the sagging roof, "Before another shell hits this bar, every man and woman must be clear of the doors!" He said, before repeating himself in Spanish.

"Mein Fuhrer, we must go to a bunker immediately." Hawkeye said, but Mustang shrugged it off.

"Call all the soldiers and reserves to Central Command!" He told the crowd, "Run through the streets and shout it if you must!" With that, he pulled a gloves out of his pocket and slipped it on. "Tonight, I feel like a Coronel." He said, and ordered his 'Lieutenant' to be at the ready to open fire on ground troops, as Armstrong threw up the ceiling for a moment, and as the bar was otherwise empty, ran out himself, and slipped on his fisticuffs.

Jean Havoc, who'd been watching from the shadows, got to the Elrics before anyone else. "State alchemists are, for the night, reinstated into the military." He told them, and flung a pocket watch at Alphonse as he ran away towards shelter.

"Well brother, you should go be with Winry." Alphonse said as he polished his new ID, "I'll take care of things here."

"Al? How do you expect to take out an entire army?" Edward asked like a parent who's just learned their child wants to go to Harvard, but consistently gets Cs.

"I've been thinking brother," Al said as he put away the watch, "And I want to be the hero for once. I tried to kill the homunculi's father, but he was already dead. And I tried to lead Xing to prosperity, but I didn't even make it to the border!"

"What are you talking about?"

"And you're great and all, but I feel like I need to do something important too once in awhile!" Alphonse said, as the wind picked up and his eyes began to shine gold. "Perhaps it's because I used Envy's stone to get my body back, but I've been feeling jealous lately, brother. Jealous of you- You have love, and power, and a friendship with the Fuhrer! All I have is the will to help people, so that's what I'm going to do, brother, I'm going to help people!"

And Alphonse dug Greed's stone out of his pocket, as the Drachman army turned the street and began coming straight towards them, bringing to mind a million and one disaster movies all at once.

"I am the son of a philosopher's stone, and through the power of sin, I will be the hero!"

The stone shone brilliantly, like a barbed wire fence you've been scaling shines when the security guards point their flashlights at you, or the blinding glow of a cell phone you use to check the time first thing in the morning before dawn stabs your eyes like a thousand needles dipped in arsenic and Agent Orange, it shone so brilliantly that while Alphonse didn't even blink, Edward went blind for half an hour.

"Greed! Lend me yo' strength!" He shouted, and the dark skies rumbled, as each and every Drachman soldier was, one by one, struck by lightning, Alphonse Elric's secret power. It blew up cars, it wrecked trains, it completely 'disappeared' entire regiments, and seeked out individual men as well. Lightning rods around the city offered no assistance, blown off by winds exceeding those you'd find in a hurricane, or Taco Bell restroom, which made the remnants of vehicles fly down the street, narrowly avoiding most Amestrians, and bricks flew from the walls of buildings like soup from a spoon you've tried too hard to cool.

As Ed lay on the ground covering his eyes, half the city was destroyed, partially by the shelling, mostly by Alphonse's wish for heroism. The storm didn't let up 'til morning, at which point all Drachmans in the city had perished and burnt, and Amestrians celebrated a miracle unseen since Kong Pride was chased out.

Alphonse left the city at that point, alone, and boarded the first train to Xing, to find May Chang. Edward and Winry Elric watched him go, but knew better than to stop him, as now that he was the good guy, they knew he'd eventually live long enough to see himself become the villain, probably by supporting a major and corrupted grocery store with his patronage.

* * *

Edward stayed in Central several weeks to help with the repairs. When he finally came home though, he past the graveyard and saw a strange sight. He sighed, but picked up a shovel and began digging graves for the three dead Xerxian's 'round Trisha's grave.


End file.
